Well, damn. I knew this day would come sooner or later, I just never thought I'd get to it.
I have....35 minutes until I turn 22, and then I'll have to change my EP age range for the first time >_> I don't wanna be in the 22-25s, damn it! :(
Mahalia Jackson - Trouble Of The World.
Just heard it today, it's beautiful.
So the other day some meaningless, trivial annoyance occurred (I can't even remember what it was) and without thinking I just said to myself:
It happens; and if it didn't, it wouldn't.
I don't know why, but when I thought more about that and started applying it to my own life, I found it oddly comforting, for such a contrived and seemingly redundant statement. I guess I'm posting this here in the hopes that maybe someone else can get peace of mind from those 8 little words that I did :P
So today, being a nice day, I decided I'd go sit out under the trees for a little while.
And me, being me, it wasn't long before my mind started going...weird again.
I was looking around at the grass, the fence, plant pots, the washing/laundry, trying to get my head around the image of billions of protons and electrons bound together in their own individual orbits, further binding with other orbits, forming molecules and structures and eventually ending up so...different...
And then I looked at the sky. Clear, blue, and calm. Until I remembered that even on such a clear day, there were stars out there past the azure, which we simply couldn't see during the day. Couldn't see...because of the sun. Earth, rotating, stars appearing at night in the blackness, then Earth facing the sun...and bombarding us with so much solar radiation that it completely obliterates our ability to perceive anything other than our star. And suddenly, looking up at the sky, I realised that for my entire life, I had never known anything of the stars that lay in that direction. Well, except for one, of course.
At which point a group of four small birds flew overhead, and I was distracted by the short tweeting noises they made. It was then that my thoughts turned to sound waves in the air, pulses of energy spreading out. To what end? Balance. There was a higher concentration of energy at the point where the sound was made, so it moves out to balance it. And that's it: the entire universe was striving for balance. Sounds fading, the wind that was blowing on my face, the sun expelling its latent energy from undergoing fusion, atoms locked into orbits around one another...Everything was about balance.
Until I noticed the plants. The plants grow for their own needs: there is no striving for balance there. Life has its own agenda. I realised then that I could stand up and walk against the wind if I wished. The energy in the wind, dense areas of air molecules moving towards sparser regions, trying to balance out the energy, some of which it poured into me...and I could move against it if I wished to. Life is no slave to the balance of the universe. Or so it seems.
Why can't I just sit out and enjoy the sun? :P
Time to break out the party poppers and cake, EPlings: As of today, I have been a member of EP for three years!
(God, what am I doing with my life...anyway, moving on!)
EP has been a pretty stable platform for me since I left college. It's weird. It's like, once I joined, I'd always been here, and ever since then no matter what has happened, EP has always felt like somewhere I could come back to. Even if it may have changed its face, and even if the people may come and go, EP was always there to come back to. I like that.
It's given me a lot more than I might have anticipated. It's given me a place to share poetry (abysmal as it is) and it gave me the opportunity to experiment with writing stories in prose (which again are pretty abysmal). A brief stint with drawing that doesn't get entertained much these days too, but that's another matter.
And of course, it also gave me friends. People from all over the world and from all walks of life with whom I could share the experience of life. People who come here and bare their souls because EP is home. I'm pretty sure that, from reading the stories of EP members, I have gained new respect, understanding and insight for the diversity of the people with whom I share the world....and that, to me, is pretty priceless.
...I still feel pretty sad about the people who left EP and who I will most likely never see or hear from again. I guess again, this was a lesson in the human condition: that even though we may have never met face to face, and we are separated by thousands of miles and by thousands of life choices, we could still all be connected through the medium of EP.
I guess on this, the 1,095th day of my being an EP member, I'm feeling pretty reminiscent :P
And just because I used to do this every so often but not any more: I love you guys!
Wow. The folks over at AVEN are really kicking off. Apparently a recent episode of House including two asexual characters didn't really give across the message they were hoping for. One of them had a brain tumour and was "cured" of his asexuality that way, and the other one was just lying about it.
I feel disappointed on their behalf....From what I've read, they do a lot of work to educate, and something like this can be really damaging.
I feel like I should be doing something, but I don't know what.
Blimey, I don't half like making life hard for myself, do I?
So the asexuality thing is going pretty good for me. Apart from the emotional breakdown which left a couple of friends a bit worried about me >_> But I think I sorted that. Point is, one of said friends pointed me in the direction of the AVEN site. At the time I told her thanks, but I don't need any help.
Pride is so often wrong. I do need help. I need someone to talk to about this when I'm NOT drunk out of my mind.
So I've been going to the AVEN (Asexuality Visibility and Education Network) site, giving it a read and browsing their forums. It's not bad, they have a lot of useful info that has helped me :)
Unfortunately I can't help but feel...distrusting of it. There's an option to create an account so that you can post on the forums. Good, right? Wrong when you're me. The first thing I did was research how to delete an account on there, and as soon as I learned you can't, that put me off entirely. I have to have the freedom to escape it, or else I won't do it.
And this is why make myself have a hard time. I can't talk about this with the people I'm closest to, for my own reasons, but I won't allow myself to talk to the people who are probably experts on the matter. I'm an idiot, but that's the way it is.
Fortunately asexuality has been covered by BBC recently, so I'm guessing that's increased awareness :P It's all good.
OH! And my trip to AVEN finally helped me to understand the logo of the "I Am Asexual" group on EP! I saw it on there too :D I've always wondered about that picture. Mystery solved.
I let my brain wander the other day while I was walking to the shops. The sun was just setting, and the sky overhead was half light and half dark. I couldn't help but marvel at it. Forget the brilliant sunlight of day or the silver moonlight of night: the delicate zenith of twilight is the most beautiful time of day for me.
Now, me being me, at this point my head started turning it all into numbers and facts and equations. I visualised the rotation of the earth, the angles at which the light from the sun was passing, and then I realised what night-time is: it's when we turn to face the void of infinite space.
And as I continued to watch the changing night sky, I came to realise that the beauty of that spectacle was matched only by the feeling of terror that it instilled, because once I had accepted that we were facing the void, it struck me that we live in false security. We see the universe backwards. Upside down. Inside out. We look at the sky and we think "Up". We look at the ground and we think "Down". But that's wrong.
The truth is that the sky is the true "down". We've just been fooled by our perception into believing that it's otherwise. Every waking moment of our lives we are suspended above a vast, nearly-infinite stretch of nothingness, and the only thing that keeps us from falling is gravity. Gravity is our sole safety net that keeps us from falling away into the abyss. Gravity, which is considered by many to be the weakest of the forces that bind our universe.
I don't know if I've explained this very well here. Being that I have only ever experienced the way I view the world, I don't know if anyone else can see the world the way I do, or relate to the universe the way I do. I wish I could share those sensations with others.
I'll never look at the sky the same way again.
Been a while since I updated this.
Well, S hasn't been seen in about a year. I heard he moved away and has a kid now. Subway staff have come and gone, but there are a few new faces that have stuck around for several months. D and C are still there, but now there's also K and N!
K is fond of recommending sandwiches and salads. I've learned never to accept his advice XD
I met N on the train home a couple of weeks ago actually. It wasn't as awkward as it could have been, he's quite laid back. He's gotten into this stupid thing where every time I ask for a White Chocolate / Macadamia Nut cookie, he'll say "There's nuts in it, is that ok?"
I'm running out of inventive ways to reply, though I did get one over on him when I ordered a double chocolate instead XD
Urgh, today he wasn't on the till so I figured I'd be safe ordering the Macadamia cookie. I got as far as the door before I heard him yelling across the store (whilst serving other customers) "It's got nuts in!"
A couple of weeks ago, one of my work mates and I got drunk and decided to go to Subway. I was having a MAJOR craving for southwest sauce for some reason. The girl who was making the sandwiches (I did note her name, but I can't remember it :/) said she was tired of making boring sandwiches, so I asked her to pick one she hadn't made in a while. Turned out to be a Subway Club. I asked her for LOTS of Southwest sauce, and trust me, I regretted it. I ended up asking my friend if it's possible to die from southwest sauce poisoning XD
So yeah, that's the latest on the Subway Saga.
All of science, or at least all of physics, is concerned with one thing: Finding the one equation that can describe everything in the universe. But this begs the question: if such an equation exists, does it also describe itself? If not, then the search has consequently failed.
To me, it seems illogical to have an equation which is its own answer. So then, in the quest for the pinnacle of understanding, it seems that we must apply the illogical to our ways of thinking. And that makes a lot of sense to me. After all, I've never seen any evidence to suggest that the universe equates logic to perfection. In fact, more often than not, the opposite appears to be the case.
And of course, an equation describing everything must also describe that which is illogical, and in order to do so it must contain elements of the same.
In accepting this, is it possible to find the answers if we solely approach the problem with a logical mindset?
An old mental exercise I once read springs to mind. There is a man who has sworn to live his life making his decisions ba
How can he decide which way to go to avoid starving? There is no logical reason to pick one direction over the other, since they are exactly the same.
Eventually the man concludes that it is illogical to stand and starve rather than making a choice, so he picks a side at random and eats til he's full.
This demonstrates the idea that sometimes in order to act logically, we have to be illogical. And that's what I ba
Have you ever stopped to think what you mind, your sense of individuality, your life is in relation to those of the people around you? Have you ever considered the way in which people structure their society?
Why do people compete for power? Why do they seek to rise above others? Always seeking power over other people, other humans. Managers, supervisors, presidents and ministers. People who have and the people who have not. What makes these things so important? Why does one person desire to be above the rest, to have more than their fellows?
I believe this stems from a near-universal sense of separation. As a race, as a species, we are not a "We". We are a collection of "I"s. "I shall have dominion over my peers". "I shall fight my way up the social ladder". "I shall be the best".
What is the point?
We are not our possessions. We are not even our bodies. Our bodies are systems of organs. The organs are systems of tissue. The tissue is a network of proteins. The proteins are strands of molecules. The molecules are structures of atoms. The atoms are chaotic balances of sub-atomic particles. The particles are made up of smaller and smaller things...
You follow this path, and at no point do you find "you". What makes you "you" goes past that, transcending the basic physical world. You are awareness. But the physical world is just physical needs. In our state of awareness, why do we strive to be the best? The world of the physical is bound by nothing more than dead building blocks and unfeeling energy.
Why is the power of one the subjugation of another? What makes them different?
I've rambled on far too much about this and I don't think I explained myself very well. But this is something that plagues me daily: our relationship with the universe around us.
The truth is coming. One way or another, it is steamrolling it's way towards me and there is absolutely nothing I can do to stop it. One day it is going to hit me and then it will be too late.
Life is not a series of events nor a series of choices. Life is a war with the world, made up of countless miniscule battles. In the end, we will lose that war. But what counts is how gloriously we fought our battles. The skills we learned, the friends we made. The friends we lost along the way.
I refuse to give in to any battle I am faced with...and I think that stubbornness, that thing of never knowing when to call it quits, is ultimately my greatest downfall.
So today I finally got to meet my friend of 6 years :D
It was a little odd. It kind of felt like I was meeting a total stranger, and yet I knew everything about him. A most unusual sensation.
Not 5 minutes after we met, we were accosted by a woman from Amnesty International who was trying to get people to sign up. I'm quite proud of my mastery of body language, so she quickly realised I was not going to be convinced to sign up on the spot, but my friend wasn't quite so lucky. He insists he was sending the signal of "leave me alone" but she stood there talking to him for at least 10 minutes before she let us go.
But yeah...the rest of the day was spent either playing on the Xbox or standing in the kitchen chatting. It was kind of funny actually, the only thing I would accept is a glass of water. He knows how paranoid I am, so at one point I was actually listing all the different ways that he could have poisoned me XD It was all in jest though. Although I think that says something about me....
Of course, I ended up missing my train and sat at the station for an hour :P
So, six years ago I met someone online through a mutual (also online) friend. Since then, we've been through all kinds of life problems and emotional rollercoasters, and I truly consider him one of my closest friends.
Recently, we've started talking on Skype (since before we had only spoken through messages) which has only brought us closer.
We're ready to take the next step: meeting in person and finally seeing who the person behind the screen really is. I'm really excited for this: we've arranged to meet in a city centre on friday.
The thing is, he's currently got a house to himself and he wanted me to stop over for one or two nights with him. I wasn't so sure about that. I can't really explain it....part of me wants to and part of me doesn't. He sounded really disappointed when I said I only wanted to meet up for a day, and now I'm kind of regretting that decision...
But then again, I've never met him in person, so......And I know my parents would most likely freak out if they knew I was meeting someone from online. I did once try to arrange a meeting and my mum flipped. But I'm 20 now, I can make my own decisions....Except I feel guilty not letting them know what I'm up to. I don't want to lie to them, because they WILL ask where I'm going....
I don't know what to do.
1. I don't know if I should spend a night over at the house.
2. I don't know if I should tell my parents what I'm planning.
3. I don't know who I'm supposed to talk to about this stuff.
So over the weekend, I and some of my friends went to visit another friend at university. We got there without much trouble, although the trains nearly messed things up for a me a little....but oh well :P
A fair bit happened over the two days we were there, but one thing surprised me most of all: I danced in public. I NEVER dance in public, and yet somehow I found myself dancing in a crowded room full of people for over 4 hours :)
And it felt good too.
The weird thing is, I think it's woken something up inside me. Now, whenever I hear music, I find it hard to resist the urge to move to the music. I've always kept music close in my heart, but I wonder if my overcoming a fear of publicly showing it might have kicked that relationship up a notch...
Perhaps the whole thing had something to do with the fact that I was high on energy drinks and alcohol at the time....And the fact that, since it was a headphone disco, I could blame any poor dancing on the fact that I was listening to a different song than everyone else XD
Tonight I felt like I could really do with writing a new short story. But I didn't, and there's a few reasons for that.
The first reason that occurred to me was that it would have been fairly graphic. The story I saw in my head kind of...well, it echoed something in me that I wasn't sure of. To be honest, the only graphic thing about it was pretty tame. Barely a step up from the one story I wrote about the chains....
The second reason was that I felt I couldn't do it justice. In all honesty, I haven't been happy with the end product of most of my short stories. I build them into epic and emotional scenes in my head, and I set out to craft something beautiful for the world to share in, but....I don't have the skill to write it as it should be. I know if I tried to write this story, it would end up rushed. The emotion wouldn't be there. It would just feel hollow, and I don't want that.
The third reason....well, it's always going to be more of the same. The story isn't much new. It just screams of old ideas that have been mutilated and put back together in a different shape. No innovation. No individuality. No interest.
I think I'll file it away with all the other unwritten stories in my head. Maybe one day I'll come up with one that's actually half decent, and which I manage to make a good job of translating into words...
Urgh, I do wish I could show people what I see in my head, rather than having to put it into words :( But I suppose that barrier makes these things all the more precious.
That's right, I'm playing the God card ;D
But yeah, I really do love this hymn. It speaks so much about my aims in life and the kind of person I want to be. It makes me happy ^_^
So I've been thinking even more tonight. I hope that if I post enough blogs and confessions like these, I might give someone some insight into the way my mind works. Maybe someone will follow it, I don't know. But if you're interested, read on.
Earlier I posted a confession in which I pondered on the possibility that the computers we use are self-aware. Well, now I've thought on it some more, and I realise something else: How do we know we are what we think we are?
Think about it. Think about the example of a computer that is self-aware. It doesn't know anything outside of its own existence. Therefore, to the computer, its existence is the height of consciousness. It knows nothing of the 9+ senses that humans possess. Or, rather, it knows nothing of the 5 basic senses we possess. So it wouldn't even know that there is more to existence that what it knows.
Now, imagine you scale it up to a human. A human is self aware, and it knows what it can from its senses. We believe our consciousness is the pinnacle of consciousness. But how are we different from the computer? Why are we so sure of ourselves?
What if we are the conscious by-products of the computing systems or technology of an even higher race than our own? What if our entire universe is merely the "cyber-space" of another species that exists beyond our universe?
It makes so much sense when you consider it in this context. Rules of physics, boundaries in the Universe, evolution, our advancement....it all falls into place. The Origins of everything.
Just imagine....the higher race could know nothing of our existence. We would have creators that know nothing of their own creation. Just as we may know nothing of ours.
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Previous PostsDawn of a new age, posted April 21st, 2013
Today's song, posted February 7th, 2013
Random comfort, posted November 1st, 2012
Garden ponderings, posted August 8th, 2012
My three-year EP-versary!, posted July 30th, 2012, 2 comments
House, posted January 23rd, 2012, 2 comments
A whole new search, posted January 19th, 2012, 2 comments
Hanging over the Void, posted October 2nd, 2011, 1 comment
Subway Saga entry 5, posted September 26th, 2011, 1 comment
Cracking the code, posted August 10th, 2011
Degrees of Separation, posted July 25th, 2011, 1 comment
The truth., posted July 17th, 2011
Met at last!, posted July 1st, 2011
Meeting at last, posted June 29th, 2011, 2 comments
Ready for the weekend, posted February 15th, 2011
Stories, posted February 13th, 2011
I am what I am!, posted July 1st, 2010
One of my favourite Hymns, posted April 5th, 2010, 4 comments
Ponderings continued, posted March 2nd, 2010, 1 comment
Metamorphosis, posted October 15th, 2009, 3 comments
Staying strong., posted September 18th, 2009
Rainbows on walls, posted August 2nd, 2009
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